Vicious

The freedom to do as I please – instantly my straight-jacket, solitary confinement – my one-way ticket to  overwhelm.  You can keep your ‘freedom’. Give me direction, instructions, directives, outright orders.  Tell me what to do, so I don’t  wonder, think, calculate, ponder, decide, or in fact, not!.  Should I go for a walk, work on the book, the script, call and catch up with friends, dust the window ledges, search the dating site, organize my photos, shake the rug? Which should I do.  Or none?!?

Instead i’m writing this post, here, now, and pondering a title that might be interesting, meaningful, and just a little witty.

Considering, pondering, deciding

keeps me immobile

prevents risk

creates bizarre safety

the safey of inaction

risk-free do-nothing

leading to sadness,

sense of loss

sense of un being

impassible, unending circle of doubt

there is no freedom here – only torturous indecision

Whining!

I have no idea why today, of all days, I feel the need to post…. and here it is.

Feeling very confused, lost and excited by possibility – all at the same time!  I have lots of plans and very little motivation today.  I wonder whats going on.

I spent time with good friends recently and enjoyed that so much.  Maybe its being home alone thats shaken me up.

My vacation was wonderful!  Lots of snow, a little wine, and gales of laughter.  I can’t imagine better ways to spend a few days away.  I even had an opportunity to ski; the first time in a gazillion years, though this time cross-country.  Spent lots of time on my butt, getting very good at getting myself back up, and enjoyed myself immensely.    A very patient teacher is a huge gift – and the addition of him being gorgeous didn’t hurt either.

I suppose these are my post-holiday blues.  No more vacation to look forward to, and my daily grind sure doesn’t seem very exciting right now.  I hear that nagging voice that I have saying “be grateful.  You have a job and money and a beautiful place to live’, and I am grateful.  Someone special with whom to share it all would make the difference.  With all the difficulties that entails, its what I really want.

Time to get myself out for a walk on the beach!  Stir up some endorphins, methinks.

All is new again – except its not

Yesterday, a friend described her experience of her sad phases: “an unmarked van drives up beside me, someone jumps out and throws a bag over my head and drags me into the van. They drive around for a while (days, weeks, months) and then one day, they pull over, throw me out of the van, take of the bag and drive away. No reasons, no explanation, no sense to it at all.”

I know what she means. Right now, there’s no bag and no van. I’m feeling pretty happy and excited about life in general, and really enjoying spring, and I’m appreciating all of that – AND – I’m noticing my fear that it will happen again soon. Just when I least expect it.

I know its crazy to be waiting for depression to strike, and its what I’m doing. Keeping myself busy, feeling happy and generally enjoying life and getting things done… and waiting.

I wonder if there’s a better way???  Definitely open to ideas, here.

Arrrggghhhh!!!

I am away on vacation in the tropics, so its proving very easy to avoid ‘Lover-boy’, as I’ve now come to think of him. I saw him for a little while last week before I left, but he had been sick with the ‘flu, so had not interest in being at all physical, so it was easy to keep some distance. He’s no fool, and was puzzled by my coolness, but I somehow managed to keep the conversation light, while very, very gently reminding him that the relationship isn’t what I want and doesn’t really serve me.

I’m on vacation with a fairly new, and generous, friend, X, and its proving to have more challenges than I had imagined. I’m getting clear about how different we are in so many ways, and how reactive I can be when some of those differences feel like they affect me.

X has strong beliefs in lots of alternative and para-normal stuff, such as past-lives, psychics, tarot cards, gods, goddesses, and so much more. It seems that every situation/event can be explained by one of these things, right down to her and I meeting. A psychic told her last week that she and I had been sisters in a past life, so when I mentioned that I’d dreamed about my sister the other night, this was explained away by that ‘fact’. I’m not sure why I find all this so irritating, and I do. I’m sure it could explained very concisely by someone with a little more insight than me, but it simply pisses me off right now.

I also have this feeling that she has me on a pedestal – and so I spend too much energy feeling concerned and not a little nervous that I’ll come crashing down, and like Humpty Dumpty, never to be put back together again. She’s constantly telling me how good I am at things, and how excellent my communication is and how impressed she is at how I can ask for what I want. Right now what I want is to be allowed to be a little more mortal, and not have to worry about the moment I get it really wrong, and she decides I’m dreadful at everything, and a really bad person. Note to self: how much projection here????

The other thing that I’m not dealing with easily is her need to emotionally merge with me. She has mentioned that this is an issue for her, but she doesn’t seem to see it in this instance, and I haven’t figured out a kind way to discuss it – which feels very important, given the last issue mentioned. I end up feeling my boundaries pushed constantly and again, I irritated by that. Of course my annoyance makes her fearful, so she then tries hard to please me creating a perfect circle. I wish I had those amazing communication skills she imagines, and could find way to tell her to back-off and give me some space. Instead I feel guilty and have to take ‘naps’ to get any time alone without her and her nervous chatter.

So my vacation in paradise is proving more difficult than I’d like and its still paradise, so I do manage to have fun between all my insecurities. Like learning to scuba-dive for instance… That was fun!

Black Beauty

Still coming to grips with losing something I never had, and trying to move on. I’m also trying to give up a bad habit… a gorgeous, passionate, very available, yet not particularly married neighbor. For the past 10 months I’ve been involved in an illicit affair with a man who lives just a few houses away. It seemed that it was OK to be bonking someone else’s husband when I had a dream of things working out with ‘that other guy’. Now it simply seems a little pathetic and very selfish.

I haven’t seen him for about a week, but mostly because he’s been sick so hasn’t been calling me or dropping by. He usually calls daily and I most of me knows its just to keep me on the line. And it works! I stay hooked, and want the contact, both emotionally and physically. I did try to end it a few months ago, but he was so persistent and seemed to want me so much that I caved after 10 days. He knows how to make me feel adored and desired, and I’m a sucker for it!

I know that staying in this “relationship” (ha!) prevents me from getting out and meeting other men and finding someone who is actually available, appropriate, unattached and most importantly, capable of real intimacy. What’s also true is that I’m scared of the dating game, and want to run and hide under my bed, rather than put myself out there to be rejected by strange men I probably didn’t want anyway.

My simplistic strategy to extract myself from this mess in which I have entwined myself, is to get really busy. Attending seminars, doing lots of extra work, visiting long lost friends, going for extra long walks, and generally being unavailable for clandestine afternoon sessions of much needed touch. The most important part of this strategy is my latest acquisition, my new computer. Its taking me many hours to set up, install everything I want, and re-organise my email and filing systems. Oh and in case you’re wondering – its black too.

On a clear day…

I suddenly become aware – each day – that I’m remembering some small slight; a call not returned, a comment, a defensive response, maybe just a word, that I could have noticed at the time.

It would have made a difference to how I feel now, but I wasn’t willing to see those things when they happened. My filter was too hazy. Dense. Rosy. I didn’t want to see, so I didn’t see. It made life easier then, and if I let myself see them now, it will make the disappointment easier to bear.

Still, letting go of a dream, no matter how unrealistic, and how unsupported by fact it may be, is not easy.

And so I continue my practice – and each day I have a little more objectivity, and a little less disbelief.

Gone Baby, Gone!

He shut the door to our hotel room with a small slam at 4:22 this morning, and all he said was “Good bye”. Two days ago I told him that after this visit, I’m not available for more contact. I have to go cold turkey!

He understands that. In the past three months he quit alcohol, nicotine and caffeine that way. I guess I’m the fourth item on that list.

I now need to work myself up to removing his number from my phone, his contact from Skype, and his email from my address book, but I’m not ready to do those things yet – and going to let myself do them when I’m ready.

My only question is, now that I’ve finally stopped torturing myself, when will I stop feeling so numb?

So, on to my practice: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy practice compassion.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Lost in the City

I’m sitting in a hotel room in one of the US’s most interesting cities. The hotel’s stationery proclaims it “An outpost of international vintage style”. For me its “Heartbreak Hotel”. I’m in the midst of spending time with someone who has been of romantic interest to me for the past 3 years, until this visit, and its painful as hell.

Why I haven’t pulled the plug before now, or even yesterday or four days ago has me entirely stumped! Masochism has very little to offer me, and yet, I’ve allowed myself to suffer through this for the last 5 days?!?! And I seem to be doing this consciously. I think I finally get it now. Its time for me to cut the ties and move on. He can’t commit, doesn’t even want to commit and now, due to my angry outbursts, won’t even speak.

So, for those of you who’ve missed me (thank you), I’m still here. Unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted – and still here.

the Emperor has clothes…

My world dressed itself in a new outfit yesterday! Bright, shiny, and fresh, and everything looks so different to me. All is not perfect, and right now thats OK.
I’m also aware that I want my world’s choice of attire to be of less consequence to my mood! I remember a friend once telling me that he wanted “to be independent of the good opinion of others”. It sounded so virtuous, like a worthy goal I should proudly want for myself. Not very achievable in the present, and worthy no less.

Today, it doesn’t seem quite so important for me to strive for the same thing. I’d like just a little more separation, perhaps; maybe I could wake up feeling good and the first hiccup could roll over me, and my day might go on happily. Instead, I feel just a little too permeable, – a tad too readily affected by the opinion of others. I’m working to learn to be a little more willow-like. To have the ability to bend with the wind, and come back to balance more readily. And most importantly, to show some kindness to myself when I don’t bounce back immediately.

Meanwhile, today I spent time with loved ones, and tonight with great friends, and I remember how much I’m loved and that my own opinions (good or bad), are valued. And thats feels great!

I might even be deserving of some of the compassion that I’m so willing to show to others. Who knew????

Raining, in my heart

New years day promised lots of sun and happiness and, somehow, it seemed only good things. But now the rain is here. Not just outside, but inside. One of my very close friends lost her husband today. Not unexpectedly, and yet so very unexpectedly.

He’d been ill with cancer for almost 3 years, and has been under hospice care for the last few days, and somehow I expected him to be around for months more. The doctors said two months, only 2 weeks ago, and yet today he died! He just up and died! and I’m not ready yet!

Who am I to be ready – or not? I’m very close to her, but not to him. She chose to marry him soon after his diagnosis, and I promised to be the best friend I could through his fight to get better. But he didn’t. Oh yes, occasionally he’d rally and have a ‘good’ scan, but the next scan was always a little worse than the previous one. He agreed to do whatever the doctors suggested. Chemo, radiation, a few herbs thrown in and even a little meditation for a while. He even became part of a new drug study, until two weeks ago the Head Honcho in the study said ‘no more’. He then asked the really hard question – ‘How long do I have?’. Two months was the answer – and we all believed him! ‘Go home, enjoy the time you have with your wife’.

And he did. They treated each other so much better these last two weeks. More respect, more consideration, and so much more love between them. And now he’s gone, and I’m feeling sorry for myself, and lost as to how I can help, while she is devastated.

And yes, I do see how selfish that is – thanks for pointing that out!