Holly days

Here I am once more, 6 days after Christmas and, once more, I’m having trouble getting myself out of the house for anything that means I might have to interact with another human. I’m even avoiding my roommate, and in a house as tiny as this one, that is quite a feat! None of this is helped by the fact that I’ve had a drippy and achy head cold for the last eight days and a muscle spasm in my back intermittently for the last 4 weeks, in addition to the holiday blues moving in like relatives after a funeral.

The one bright spot in this otherwise dismal story is that I’m watching my vicious judgments with some tiny sense of distance or separation, rather than my usual pattern of diligently snatching and running with each of them like a pro-football player trying to score the winning touch-down. I’m even contemplating calling someone to share some of said thoughts, which has, prior to now, been the ultimate no-no. I am almost able to imagine that there is a possibility that someone might still want to know me, and not run screaming when they hear the crazy thoughts that have made their home in my gray matter.

Meanwhile I have a list of to-do’s that continually scream “not-done” constantly re-playing in my head something akin to a 3-year-old watching a Thomas the Tank Engine video with unhampered access to the remote.

Ludicrously, it seems to me right now, a few months ago I thought it clever to suggest to one of my friends/clients that I build them a website for their arty business. At the time this seemed reasonable – no – it seemed fun, and even inspiring and challenging to me. “I’ve built great sites before” I told myself. Back then I had lots of brilliant ideas, a client/collaborator who was clever & creative, and had a great vision for the site. Not long after Thanksgiving she declared herself ready to begin and we had a very productive meeting; planning the navigation, sketching the design, and discussing usability questions. I was excited to be working on this project and confident that we were on the way to building her a great website. I was happy to be waiting for her to provide me with images so I could begin some draft designs.

Only one short month later I’m flummoxed as to why I thought I could even build another website, let alone one that she and her customers will love. Massive self-doubt builds as I search out more evidence of why I won’t get it done, and if I somehow do manage to pull something together it won’t be anything like she is hoping to have as her presence in cyberspace. And my skills at evidence gathering are second to none – let me assure you.

So, as a way to try to make some sense of these thoughts I thought I’d share some of them with you, sitting at my desk and looking at the sprig of holly on my windowsill, trying to convince myself that a) I’m not entirely crazy and b) this will pass! It always does and will again. I will, once more, find pleasure in the company of others and the sights and sounds of the world will again give me reason to smile and feel happy. I just want it to be soon!

Now if I can just make it through New Years Eve?!?