Still coming to grips with losing something I never had, and trying to move on. I’m also trying to give up a bad habit… a gorgeous, passionate, very available, yet not particularly married neighbor. For the past 10 months I’ve been involved in an illicit affair with a man who lives just a few houses away. It seemed that it was OK to be bonking someone else’s husband when I had a dream of things working out with ‘that other guy’. Now it simply seems a little pathetic and very selfish.
I haven’t seen him for about a week, but mostly because he’s been sick so hasn’t been calling me or dropping by. He usually calls daily and I most of me knows its just to keep me on the line. And it works! I stay hooked, and want the contact, both emotionally and physically. I did try to end it a few months ago, but he was so persistent and seemed to want me so much that I caved after 10 days. He knows how to make me feel adored and desired, and I’m a sucker for it!
I know that staying in this “relationship” (ha!) prevents me from getting out and meeting other men and finding someone who is actually available, appropriate, unattached and most importantly, capable of real intimacy. What’s also true is that I’m scared of the dating game, and want to run and hide under my bed, rather than put myself out there to be rejected by strange men I probably didn’t want anyway.
My simplistic strategy to extract myself from this mess in which I have entwined myself, is to get really busy. Attending seminars, doing lots of extra work, visiting long lost friends, going for extra long walks, and generally being unavailable for clandestine afternoon sessions of much needed touch. The most important part of this strategy is my latest acquisition, my new computer. Its taking me many hours to set up, install everything I want, and re-organise my email and filing systems. Oh and in case you’re wondering – its black too.
