Vicious

The freedom to do as I please – instantly my straight-jacket, solitary confinement – my one-way ticket to  overwhelm.  You can keep your ‘freedom’. Give me direction, instructions, directives, outright orders.  Tell me what to do, so I don’t  wonder, think, calculate, ponder, decide, or in fact, not!.  Should I go for a walk, work on the book, the script, call and catch up with friends, dust the window ledges, search the dating site, organize my photos, shake the rug? Which should I do.  Or none?!?

Instead i’m writing this post, here, now, and pondering a title that might be interesting, meaningful, and just a little witty.

Considering, pondering, deciding

keeps me immobile

prevents risk

creates bizarre safety

the safey of inaction

risk-free do-nothing

leading to sadness,

sense of loss

sense of un being

impassible, unending circle of doubt

there is no freedom here – only torturous indecision

Whining!

I have no idea why today, of all days, I feel the need to post…. and here it is.

Feeling very confused, lost and excited by possibility – all at the same time!  I have lots of plans and very little motivation today.  I wonder whats going on.

I spent time with good friends recently and enjoyed that so much.  Maybe its being home alone thats shaken me up.

My vacation was wonderful!  Lots of snow, a little wine, and gales of laughter.  I can’t imagine better ways to spend a few days away.  I even had an opportunity to ski; the first time in a gazillion years, though this time cross-country.  Spent lots of time on my butt, getting very good at getting myself back up, and enjoyed myself immensely.    A very patient teacher is a huge gift – and the addition of him being gorgeous didn’t hurt either.

I suppose these are my post-holiday blues.  No more vacation to look forward to, and my daily grind sure doesn’t seem very exciting right now.  I hear that nagging voice that I have saying “be grateful.  You have a job and money and a beautiful place to live’, and I am grateful.  Someone special with whom to share it all would make the difference.  With all the difficulties that entails, its what I really want.

Time to get myself out for a walk on the beach!  Stir up some endorphins, methinks.