Vicious

The freedom to do as I please – instantly my straight-jacket, solitary confinement – my one-way ticket to  overwhelm.  You can keep your ‘freedom’. Give me direction, instructions, directives, outright orders.  Tell me what to do, so I don’t  wonder, think, calculate, ponder, decide, or in fact, not!.  Should I go for a walk, work on the book, the script, call and catch up with friends, dust the window ledges, search the dating site, organize my photos, shake the rug? Which should I do.  Or none?!?

Instead i’m writing this post, here, now, and pondering a title that might be interesting, meaningful, and just a little witty.

Considering, pondering, deciding

keeps me immobile

prevents risk

creates bizarre safety

the safey of inaction

risk-free do-nothing

leading to sadness,

sense of loss

sense of un being

impassible, unending circle of doubt

there is no freedom here – only torturous indecision

All is new again – except its not

Yesterday, a friend described her experience of her sad phases: “an unmarked van drives up beside me, someone jumps out and throws a bag over my head and drags me into the van. They drive around for a while (days, weeks, months) and then one day, they pull over, throw me out of the van, take of the bag and drive away. No reasons, no explanation, no sense to it at all.”

I know what she means. Right now, there’s no bag and no van. I’m feeling pretty happy and excited about life in general, and really enjoying spring, and I’m appreciating all of that – AND – I’m noticing my fear that it will happen again soon. Just when I least expect it.

I know its crazy to be waiting for depression to strike, and its what I’m doing. Keeping myself busy, feeling happy and generally enjoying life and getting things done… and waiting.

I wonder if there’s a better way???  Definitely open to ideas, here.

Black Beauty

Still coming to grips with losing something I never had, and trying to move on. I’m also trying to give up a bad habit… a gorgeous, passionate, very available, yet not particularly married neighbor. For the past 10 months I’ve been involved in an illicit affair with a man who lives just a few houses away. It seemed that it was OK to be bonking someone else’s husband when I had a dream of things working out with ‘that other guy’. Now it simply seems a little pathetic and very selfish.

I haven’t seen him for about a week, but mostly because he’s been sick so hasn’t been calling me or dropping by. He usually calls daily and I most of me knows its just to keep me on the line. And it works! I stay hooked, and want the contact, both emotionally and physically. I did try to end it a few months ago, but he was so persistent and seemed to want me so much that I caved after 10 days. He knows how to make me feel adored and desired, and I’m a sucker for it!

I know that staying in this “relationship” (ha!) prevents me from getting out and meeting other men and finding someone who is actually available, appropriate, unattached and most importantly, capable of real intimacy. What’s also true is that I’m scared of the dating game, and want to run and hide under my bed, rather than put myself out there to be rejected by strange men I probably didn’t want anyway.

My simplistic strategy to extract myself from this mess in which I have entwined myself, is to get really busy. Attending seminars, doing lots of extra work, visiting long lost friends, going for extra long walks, and generally being unavailable for clandestine afternoon sessions of much needed touch. The most important part of this strategy is my latest acquisition, my new computer. Its taking me many hours to set up, install everything I want, and re-organise my email and filing systems. Oh and in case you’re wondering – its black too.

Weather or not

Happy to report some sunshine today!

Its a little brighter outside too….

Holly days

Here I am once more, 6 days after Christmas and, once more, I’m having trouble getting myself out of the house for anything that means I might have to interact with another human. I’m even avoiding my roommate, and in a house as tiny as this one, that is quite a feat! None of this is helped by the fact that I’ve had a drippy and achy head cold for the last eight days and a muscle spasm in my back intermittently for the last 4 weeks, in addition to the holiday blues moving in like relatives after a funeral.

The one bright spot in this otherwise dismal story is that I’m watching my vicious judgments with some tiny sense of distance or separation, rather than my usual pattern of diligently snatching and running with each of them like a pro-football player trying to score the winning touch-down. I’m even contemplating calling someone to share some of said thoughts, which has, prior to now, been the ultimate no-no. I am almost able to imagine that there is a possibility that someone might still want to know me, and not run screaming when they hear the crazy thoughts that have made their home in my gray matter.

Meanwhile I have a list of to-do’s that continually scream “not-done” constantly re-playing in my head something akin to a 3-year-old watching a Thomas the Tank Engine video with unhampered access to the remote.

Ludicrously, it seems to me right now, a few months ago I thought it clever to suggest to one of my friends/clients that I build them a website for their arty business. At the time this seemed reasonable – no – it seemed fun, and even inspiring and challenging to me. “I’ve built great sites before” I told myself. Back then I had lots of brilliant ideas, a client/collaborator who was clever & creative, and had a great vision for the site. Not long after Thanksgiving she declared herself ready to begin and we had a very productive meeting; planning the navigation, sketching the design, and discussing usability questions. I was excited to be working on this project and confident that we were on the way to building her a great website. I was happy to be waiting for her to provide me with images so I could begin some draft designs.

Only one short month later I’m flummoxed as to why I thought I could even build another website, let alone one that she and her customers will love. Massive self-doubt builds as I search out more evidence of why I won’t get it done, and if I somehow do manage to pull something together it won’t be anything like she is hoping to have as her presence in cyberspace. And my skills at evidence gathering are second to none – let me assure you.

So, as a way to try to make some sense of these thoughts I thought I’d share some of them with you, sitting at my desk and looking at the sprig of holly on my windowsill, trying to convince myself that a) I’m not entirely crazy and b) this will pass! It always does and will again. I will, once more, find pleasure in the company of others and the sights and sounds of the world will again give me reason to smile and feel happy. I just want it to be soon!

Now if I can just make it through New Years Eve?!?

Still kicking – though not exactly “kickin’ it”

Where did a year and a half go? I’ve spent the day backing-up data and music, and now listening to last weeks NPR – ‘Wait Wait…. Don’t Tell Me!’ which is causing me to giggle often while working away here at the keyboard.

I’ve been visited lately by Churchill’s Black Dog – depression. I find myself deep into despair, victim hood, and total self-absorption. When its happening, I know what I need is contact, and I’ll be damned if I can ask for it when I’m in that space.

Yesterday, a good friend called on the spur of the moment, and I so appreciate the way she can simply show up, and that I’m able to be real with her and reveal just how down I’m feeling, and of course she was able to point out how mean my inner critic is being on me.

My internal voices are, to put it mildly, vicious! When I’m imagining I’m less than perfect, ‘the committee’ as I like to call them, are more than ready to beat me senseless – with their lists of ways that I haven’t done all that I could, when I could, and a litany of reasons why I shouldn’t even think of expecting to be happy, or even expect others to want to be with me. It can be not only exhausting, but downright scary, when I believe whatever is the latest bad judgment they have for me.

The good news is that today I have much more equilibrium, and “the committee’s” opinions can barely be heard. I’ve actually managed to achieve some longed for organization of my home space, and completed a few things on my very long to-do list. Both of these things help me feel even better, and reassure me that I’m not sinking permanently into the pit of despair, and that there’s some hope for me to be happy and maybe even to find an intimate relationship, rather than the illicit affair I’ve been indulging in for the past 4 months.

Rushing, rushing, rushing!

My life has suddenly become really busy! I work as a virtural personal assistant and have a new client, who would love me to work every day. I don't think so!

The work isn't even very exciting though it pays very well, and with the state of my bank account lately and the huge list of things I want to do, I'm not complaining – except about feeling like every moment of my days are booked.

It feels especially difficult now that Spring is here, and the sunshine has finally arrived. I'd much rather be bike riding along the wonderful bike paths around here, or hiking in the hills, or even laying in the sun enjoying a really good book. Instead I'm rushing from one job to the next, even if only virtually.

My other job is walking a friends gorgeous dogs, so that at least has given me an opportunity to enjoy some sun. But then its back to the grind.

My latest passion is planning my future, after finding a wonderful book by a guy named David Ellis – Creating Your Future. After reading this book, I've become really inspired by his simple suggestion of writing any goals that I have on 3×5 cards – hundreds of them. The process is so liberating, and I'm finding it expands my thinking exponentially. I think my fear of the future is becoming a thing of the past.

Proceed with caution: content may be thought provoking!

I’m still here – I think

This week has been other worldly for me.

I have been so full of rage and anger, it seemed likely I might explode. I spent anytime I wasn't working shut up in my room, just to avoid having to deal with the idiots who are in the world around me!

I'm not sure how I made it through – and I did. No one got bitten, and neither did I!

Hello world! – Oh, how appropriate!!!!

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post here regularly – just this first message feels like a big stretch – AND I think it will be good for me to do this revealing thing.

My intention is to get more comfortable with this and then reveal even more about my ideas, feelings and most difficult of all my weaknesses.
This is only one of the ways that I'm working on my inner self. The other is this:

I'm part of an art therapy group, and we're working on a canvas over a period of 6 weeks. This is my first application of paint.