Whining!

I have no idea why today, of all days, I feel the need to post…. and here it is.

Feeling very confused, lost and excited by possibility – all at the same time!  I have lots of plans and very little motivation today.  I wonder whats going on.

I spent time with good friends recently and enjoyed that so much.  Maybe its being home alone thats shaken me up.

My vacation was wonderful!  Lots of snow, a little wine, and gales of laughter.  I can’t imagine better ways to spend a few days away.  I even had an opportunity to ski; the first time in a gazillion years, though this time cross-country.  Spent lots of time on my butt, getting very good at getting myself back up, and enjoyed myself immensely.    A very patient teacher is a huge gift – and the addition of him being gorgeous didn’t hurt either.

I suppose these are my post-holiday blues.  No more vacation to look forward to, and my daily grind sure doesn’t seem very exciting right now.  I hear that nagging voice that I have saying “be grateful.  You have a job and money and a beautiful place to live’, and I am grateful.  Someone special with whom to share it all would make the difference.  With all the difficulties that entails, its what I really want.

Time to get myself out for a walk on the beach!  Stir up some endorphins, methinks.

Arrrggghhhh!!!

I am away on vacation in the tropics, so its proving very easy to avoid ‘Lover-boy’, as I’ve now come to think of him. I saw him for a little while last week before I left, but he had been sick with the ‘flu, so had not interest in being at all physical, so it was easy to keep some distance. He’s no fool, and was puzzled by my coolness, but I somehow managed to keep the conversation light, while very, very gently reminding him that the relationship isn’t what I want and doesn’t really serve me.

I’m on vacation with a fairly new, and generous, friend, X, and its proving to have more challenges than I had imagined. I’m getting clear about how different we are in so many ways, and how reactive I can be when some of those differences feel like they affect me.

X has strong beliefs in lots of alternative and para-normal stuff, such as past-lives, psychics, tarot cards, gods, goddesses, and so much more. It seems that every situation/event can be explained by one of these things, right down to her and I meeting. A psychic told her last week that she and I had been sisters in a past life, so when I mentioned that I’d dreamed about my sister the other night, this was explained away by that ‘fact’. I’m not sure why I find all this so irritating, and I do. I’m sure it could explained very concisely by someone with a little more insight than me, but it simply pisses me off right now.

I also have this feeling that she has me on a pedestal – and so I spend too much energy feeling concerned and not a little nervous that I’ll come crashing down, and like Humpty Dumpty, never to be put back together again. She’s constantly telling me how good I am at things, and how excellent my communication is and how impressed she is at how I can ask for what I want. Right now what I want is to be allowed to be a little more mortal, and not have to worry about the moment I get it really wrong, and she decides I’m dreadful at everything, and a really bad person. Note to self: how much projection here????

The other thing that I’m not dealing with easily is her need to emotionally merge with me. She has mentioned that this is an issue for her, but she doesn’t seem to see it in this instance, and I haven’t figured out a kind way to discuss it – which feels very important, given the last issue mentioned. I end up feeling my boundaries pushed constantly and again, I irritated by that. Of course my annoyance makes her fearful, so she then tries hard to please me creating a perfect circle. I wish I had those amazing communication skills she imagines, and could find way to tell her to back-off and give me some space. Instead I feel guilty and have to take ‘naps’ to get any time alone without her and her nervous chatter.

So my vacation in paradise is proving more difficult than I’d like and its still paradise, so I do manage to have fun between all my insecurities. Like learning to scuba-dive for instance… That was fun!

On a clear day…

I suddenly become aware – each day – that I’m remembering some small slight; a call not returned, a comment, a defensive response, maybe just a word, that I could have noticed at the time.

It would have made a difference to how I feel now, but I wasn’t willing to see those things when they happened. My filter was too hazy. Dense. Rosy. I didn’t want to see, so I didn’t see. It made life easier then, and if I let myself see them now, it will make the disappointment easier to bear.

Still, letting go of a dream, no matter how unrealistic, and how unsupported by fact it may be, is not easy.

And so I continue my practice – and each day I have a little more objectivity, and a little less disbelief.

Gone Baby, Gone!

He shut the door to our hotel room with a small slam at 4:22 this morning, and all he said was “Good bye”. Two days ago I told him that after this visit, I’m not available for more contact. I have to go cold turkey!

He understands that. In the past three months he quit alcohol, nicotine and caffeine that way. I guess I’m the fourth item on that list.

I now need to work myself up to removing his number from my phone, his contact from Skype, and his email from my address book, but I’m not ready to do those things yet – and going to let myself do them when I’m ready.

My only question is, now that I’ve finally stopped torturing myself, when will I stop feeling so numb?

So, on to my practice: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy practice compassion.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Lost in the City

I’m sitting in a hotel room in one of the US’s most interesting cities. The hotel’s stationery proclaims it “An outpost of international vintage style”. For me its “Heartbreak Hotel”. I’m in the midst of spending time with someone who has been of romantic interest to me for the past 3 years, until this visit, and its painful as hell.

Why I haven’t pulled the plug before now, or even yesterday or four days ago has me entirely stumped! Masochism has very little to offer me, and yet, I’ve allowed myself to suffer through this for the last 5 days?!?! And I seem to be doing this consciously. I think I finally get it now. Its time for me to cut the ties and move on. He can’t commit, doesn’t even want to commit and now, due to my angry outbursts, won’t even speak.

So, for those of you who’ve missed me (thank you), I’m still here. Unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted – and still here.

the Emperor has clothes…

My world dressed itself in a new outfit yesterday! Bright, shiny, and fresh, and everything looks so different to me. All is not perfect, and right now thats OK.
I’m also aware that I want my world’s choice of attire to be of less consequence to my mood! I remember a friend once telling me that he wanted “to be independent of the good opinion of others”. It sounded so virtuous, like a worthy goal I should proudly want for myself. Not very achievable in the present, and worthy no less.

Today, it doesn’t seem quite so important for me to strive for the same thing. I’d like just a little more separation, perhaps; maybe I could wake up feeling good and the first hiccup could roll over me, and my day might go on happily. Instead, I feel just a little too permeable, – a tad too readily affected by the opinion of others. I’m working to learn to be a little more willow-like. To have the ability to bend with the wind, and come back to balance more readily. And most importantly, to show some kindness to myself when I don’t bounce back immediately.

Meanwhile, today I spent time with loved ones, and tonight with great friends, and I remember how much I’m loved and that my own opinions (good or bad), are valued. And thats feels great!

I might even be deserving of some of the compassion that I’m so willing to show to others. Who knew????

Holly days

Here I am once more, 6 days after Christmas and, once more, I’m having trouble getting myself out of the house for anything that means I might have to interact with another human. I’m even avoiding my roommate, and in a house as tiny as this one, that is quite a feat! None of this is helped by the fact that I’ve had a drippy and achy head cold for the last eight days and a muscle spasm in my back intermittently for the last 4 weeks, in addition to the holiday blues moving in like relatives after a funeral.

The one bright spot in this otherwise dismal story is that I’m watching my vicious judgments with some tiny sense of distance or separation, rather than my usual pattern of diligently snatching and running with each of them like a pro-football player trying to score the winning touch-down. I’m even contemplating calling someone to share some of said thoughts, which has, prior to now, been the ultimate no-no. I am almost able to imagine that there is a possibility that someone might still want to know me, and not run screaming when they hear the crazy thoughts that have made their home in my gray matter.

Meanwhile I have a list of to-do’s that continually scream “not-done” constantly re-playing in my head something akin to a 3-year-old watching a Thomas the Tank Engine video with unhampered access to the remote.

Ludicrously, it seems to me right now, a few months ago I thought it clever to suggest to one of my friends/clients that I build them a website for their arty business. At the time this seemed reasonable – no – it seemed fun, and even inspiring and challenging to me. “I’ve built great sites before” I told myself. Back then I had lots of brilliant ideas, a client/collaborator who was clever & creative, and had a great vision for the site. Not long after Thanksgiving she declared herself ready to begin and we had a very productive meeting; planning the navigation, sketching the design, and discussing usability questions. I was excited to be working on this project and confident that we were on the way to building her a great website. I was happy to be waiting for her to provide me with images so I could begin some draft designs.

Only one short month later I’m flummoxed as to why I thought I could even build another website, let alone one that she and her customers will love. Massive self-doubt builds as I search out more evidence of why I won’t get it done, and if I somehow do manage to pull something together it won’t be anything like she is hoping to have as her presence in cyberspace. And my skills at evidence gathering are second to none – let me assure you.

So, as a way to try to make some sense of these thoughts I thought I’d share some of them with you, sitting at my desk and looking at the sprig of holly on my windowsill, trying to convince myself that a) I’m not entirely crazy and b) this will pass! It always does and will again. I will, once more, find pleasure in the company of others and the sights and sounds of the world will again give me reason to smile and feel happy. I just want it to be soon!

Now if I can just make it through New Years Eve?!?

True Confessions

I just had a wonderful weekend, up in the City, hanging out with a friend and meeting a whole host of her new friends. Lots of fun people, and I was surprised to find one of them very attractive. I say surprised because she's a woman – and so am I. She was certainly very friendly and attentive, but who knows what was going on in her mind. I have enough trouble recognizing whats happening in mine! So, something new to consider for me. It seems crazy that its a new thing as so many of my closest friends are lesbians and have been for many years. Just never considered one as a partner before. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, I enjoyed the affectionate attention of another human being, and was very much reminded that I miss that in my life. It sure feels like time to be back in relationship once more! If only I knew how to go about that in a way that was not like I used to do it. Thats is trying to become whatever I though the latest beau in my life wanted me to be. It worked mostly and sometimes for 10 or more years, but of course eventually I would demand that I be seen as myself, and it just got too confusing for my partners. Living with someone who seems to have multiples probably isn't lots of fun in the long term I imagine.

Being noticed

I'm finally finding some time for myself, and catching up on emails etc. One that I love to read, but only when I have plenty of time to digest it, is Molly Gordon's Authentic Promotion. Imagine my surprise to see a special mention of myself in her latest newsletter. Thank you, Molly.

Molly Gordon has been one of my role models since soon after I completed my coach training, and to have been mentioned in her newsletter, even for something small, feels like big stuff to me.

The storm has passed!

After the rage comes… happiness! I don’t quite believe it, but I think I’m happy. I keep having moments where I notice I like the view, or I like what I’m hearing, or what I’m reading, and its slowly dawning on me that this is what its like to feel happiness. Can it be that I’m only really experiencing this for the first time at 44? Surely not!

I’m surprised each time I notice it, still – and I’m beginning to believe it. In fact I’m beginning to believe me. I don’t really trust it or myself completely yet, and I’m working towards that.

This is where I lived until very recently, and I think I’m only just beginning to really appreciate it.I spent my weekend in a workshop with a group of people with whom I’ve met for 3 days every two months for the last year. Our intention is to become more aware, and not just self-aware, but to broaden our general awareness. Weekend 7 and finally I actually enjoyed it. I want to do more work with this level of awareness and I want to integrate it into my life more and more, and to integrate these people more and more into my life.

On Saturday night I was invited to a concert after group, to see Robin and Linda Williams Band perform. They of ‘Prairie Home Companion Fame’ I was told. A lovely surprise gift and I suddenly woke up to how much fun I was having. I realise that often I think I should be having fun, and try to have fun, but its work, and most of it is spent trying – not actually having fun. But there I was enjoying music that I don’t know and suddenly wondering about exploring all those places mentioned in the songs, like Georgia, and West Virginia and North Carolina. I’m even wondering what it might be like to do at least part of the Appalachian Trail.

I like the happiness and I want MORE!