Lost in the City

I’m sitting in a hotel room in one of the US’s most interesting cities. The hotel’s stationery proclaims it “An outpost of international vintage style”. For me its “Heartbreak Hotel”. I’m in the midst of spending time with someone who has been of romantic interest to me for the past 3 years, until this visit, and its painful as hell.

Why I haven’t pulled the plug before now, or even yesterday or four days ago has me entirely stumped! Masochism has very little to offer me, and yet, I’ve allowed myself to suffer through this for the last 5 days?!?! And I seem to be doing this consciously. I think I finally get it now. Its time for me to cut the ties and move on. He can’t commit, doesn’t even want to commit and now, due to my angry outbursts, won’t even speak.

So, for those of you who’ve missed me (thank you), I’m still here. Unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted – and still here.

Raining, in my heart

New years day promised lots of sun and happiness and, somehow, it seemed only good things. But now the rain is here. Not just outside, but inside. One of my very close friends lost her husband today. Not unexpectedly, and yet so very unexpectedly.

He’d been ill with cancer for almost 3 years, and has been under hospice care for the last few days, and somehow I expected him to be around for months more. The doctors said two months, only 2 weeks ago, and yet today he died! He just up and died! and I’m not ready yet!

Who am I to be ready – or not? I’m very close to her, but not to him. She chose to marry him soon after his diagnosis, and I promised to be the best friend I could through his fight to get better. But he didn’t. Oh yes, occasionally he’d rally and have a ‘good’ scan, but the next scan was always a little worse than the previous one. He agreed to do whatever the doctors suggested. Chemo, radiation, a few herbs thrown in and even a little meditation for a while. He even became part of a new drug study, until two weeks ago the Head Honcho in the study said ‘no more’. He then asked the really hard question – ‘How long do I have?’. Two months was the answer – and we all believed him! ‘Go home, enjoy the time you have with your wife’.

And he did. They treated each other so much better these last two weeks. More respect, more consideration, and so much more love between them. And now he’s gone, and I’m feeling sorry for myself, and lost as to how I can help, while she is devastated.

And yes, I do see how selfish that is – thanks for pointing that out!