Surprise! (To me, at least)

I made it!

To 2008 I mean… In all its blue sky, bright sun and twittery birds glory.

Another ‘good day’ seems to be shaping up, regardless of the rheumy eyed, hacking cough that is my cold. Shockingly, given the state of my physical health, I’m feeling happy, and appreciative of my life and hopeful for the future.

As I sit at my desk looking out my window at the trees full of sparrows and the occasional hummingbird, even my to-do list seems nonthreatening – almost a friend I’m looking forward to seeing again soon. Maybe I can even trust you?!?!?

May your New Year bring you sunshine, love, and fun.

Now, I think I’ll finish this coffee and go for a walk on the beach.

Weather or not

Happy to report some sunshine today!

Its a little brighter outside too….

Holly days

Here I am once more, 6 days after Christmas and, once more, I’m having trouble getting myself out of the house for anything that means I might have to interact with another human. I’m even avoiding my roommate, and in a house as tiny as this one, that is quite a feat! None of this is helped by the fact that I’ve had a drippy and achy head cold for the last eight days and a muscle spasm in my back intermittently for the last 4 weeks, in addition to the holiday blues moving in like relatives after a funeral.

The one bright spot in this otherwise dismal story is that I’m watching my vicious judgments with some tiny sense of distance or separation, rather than my usual pattern of diligently snatching and running with each of them like a pro-football player trying to score the winning touch-down. I’m even contemplating calling someone to share some of said thoughts, which has, prior to now, been the ultimate no-no. I am almost able to imagine that there is a possibility that someone might still want to know me, and not run screaming when they hear the crazy thoughts that have made their home in my gray matter.

Meanwhile I have a list of to-do’s that continually scream “not-done” constantly re-playing in my head something akin to a 3-year-old watching a Thomas the Tank Engine video with unhampered access to the remote.

Ludicrously, it seems to me right now, a few months ago I thought it clever to suggest to one of my friends/clients that I build them a website for their arty business. At the time this seemed reasonable – no – it seemed fun, and even inspiring and challenging to me. “I’ve built great sites before” I told myself. Back then I had lots of brilliant ideas, a client/collaborator who was clever & creative, and had a great vision for the site. Not long after Thanksgiving she declared herself ready to begin and we had a very productive meeting; planning the navigation, sketching the design, and discussing usability questions. I was excited to be working on this project and confident that we were on the way to building her a great website. I was happy to be waiting for her to provide me with images so I could begin some draft designs.

Only one short month later I’m flummoxed as to why I thought I could even build another website, let alone one that she and her customers will love. Massive self-doubt builds as I search out more evidence of why I won’t get it done, and if I somehow do manage to pull something together it won’t be anything like she is hoping to have as her presence in cyberspace. And my skills at evidence gathering are second to none – let me assure you.

So, as a way to try to make some sense of these thoughts I thought I’d share some of them with you, sitting at my desk and looking at the sprig of holly on my windowsill, trying to convince myself that a) I’m not entirely crazy and b) this will pass! It always does and will again. I will, once more, find pleasure in the company of others and the sights and sounds of the world will again give me reason to smile and feel happy. I just want it to be soon!

Now if I can just make it through New Years Eve?!?

Still kicking – though not exactly “kickin’ it”

Where did a year and a half go? I’ve spent the day backing-up data and music, and now listening to last weeks NPR – ‘Wait Wait…. Don’t Tell Me!’ which is causing me to giggle often while working away here at the keyboard.

I’ve been visited lately by Churchill’s Black Dog – depression. I find myself deep into despair, victim hood, and total self-absorption. When its happening, I know what I need is contact, and I’ll be damned if I can ask for it when I’m in that space.

Yesterday, a good friend called on the spur of the moment, and I so appreciate the way she can simply show up, and that I’m able to be real with her and reveal just how down I’m feeling, and of course she was able to point out how mean my inner critic is being on me.

My internal voices are, to put it mildly, vicious! When I’m imagining I’m less than perfect, ‘the committee’ as I like to call them, are more than ready to beat me senseless – with their lists of ways that I haven’t done all that I could, when I could, and a litany of reasons why I shouldn’t even think of expecting to be happy, or even expect others to want to be with me. It can be not only exhausting, but downright scary, when I believe whatever is the latest bad judgment they have for me.

The good news is that today I have much more equilibrium, and “the committee’s” opinions can barely be heard. I’ve actually managed to achieve some longed for organization of my home space, and completed a few things on my very long to-do list. Both of these things help me feel even better, and reassure me that I’m not sinking permanently into the pit of despair, and that there’s some hope for me to be happy and maybe even to find an intimate relationship, rather than the illicit affair I’ve been indulging in for the past 4 months.

True Confessions

I just had a wonderful weekend, up in the City, hanging out with a friend and meeting a whole host of her new friends. Lots of fun people, and I was surprised to find one of them very attractive. I say surprised because she's a woman – and so am I. She was certainly very friendly and attentive, but who knows what was going on in her mind. I have enough trouble recognizing whats happening in mine! So, something new to consider for me. It seems crazy that its a new thing as so many of my closest friends are lesbians and have been for many years. Just never considered one as a partner before. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, I enjoyed the affectionate attention of another human being, and was very much reminded that I miss that in my life. It sure feels like time to be back in relationship once more! If only I knew how to go about that in a way that was not like I used to do it. Thats is trying to become whatever I though the latest beau in my life wanted me to be. It worked mostly and sometimes for 10 or more years, but of course eventually I would demand that I be seen as myself, and it just got too confusing for my partners. Living with someone who seems to have multiples probably isn't lots of fun in the long term I imagine.

Being noticed

I'm finally finding some time for myself, and catching up on emails etc. One that I love to read, but only when I have plenty of time to digest it, is Molly Gordon's Authentic Promotion. Imagine my surprise to see a special mention of myself in her latest newsletter. Thank you, Molly.

Molly Gordon has been one of my role models since soon after I completed my coach training, and to have been mentioned in her newsletter, even for something small, feels like big stuff to me.

Rushing, rushing, rushing!

My life has suddenly become really busy! I work as a virtural personal assistant and have a new client, who would love me to work every day. I don't think so!

The work isn't even very exciting though it pays very well, and with the state of my bank account lately and the huge list of things I want to do, I'm not complaining – except about feeling like every moment of my days are booked.

It feels especially difficult now that Spring is here, and the sunshine has finally arrived. I'd much rather be bike riding along the wonderful bike paths around here, or hiking in the hills, or even laying in the sun enjoying a really good book. Instead I'm rushing from one job to the next, even if only virtually.

My other job is walking a friends gorgeous dogs, so that at least has given me an opportunity to enjoy some sun. But then its back to the grind.

My latest passion is planning my future, after finding a wonderful book by a guy named David Ellis – Creating Your Future. After reading this book, I've become really inspired by his simple suggestion of writing any goals that I have on 3×5 cards – hundreds of them. The process is so liberating, and I'm finding it expands my thinking exponentially. I think my fear of the future is becoming a thing of the past.

Proceed with caution: content may be thought provoking!

The storm has passed!

After the rage comes… happiness! I don’t quite believe it, but I think I’m happy. I keep having moments where I notice I like the view, or I like what I’m hearing, or what I’m reading, and its slowly dawning on me that this is what its like to feel happiness. Can it be that I’m only really experiencing this for the first time at 44? Surely not!

I’m surprised each time I notice it, still – and I’m beginning to believe it. In fact I’m beginning to believe me. I don’t really trust it or myself completely yet, and I’m working towards that.

This is where I lived until very recently, and I think I’m only just beginning to really appreciate it.I spent my weekend in a workshop with a group of people with whom I’ve met for 3 days every two months for the last year. Our intention is to become more aware, and not just self-aware, but to broaden our general awareness. Weekend 7 and finally I actually enjoyed it. I want to do more work with this level of awareness and I want to integrate it into my life more and more, and to integrate these people more and more into my life.

On Saturday night I was invited to a concert after group, to see Robin and Linda Williams Band perform. They of ‘Prairie Home Companion Fame’ I was told. A lovely surprise gift and I suddenly woke up to how much fun I was having. I realise that often I think I should be having fun, and try to have fun, but its work, and most of it is spent trying – not actually having fun. But there I was enjoying music that I don’t know and suddenly wondering about exploring all those places mentioned in the songs, like Georgia, and West Virginia and North Carolina. I’m even wondering what it might be like to do at least part of the Appalachian Trail.

I like the happiness and I want MORE!

I’m still here – I think

This week has been other worldly for me.

I have been so full of rage and anger, it seemed likely I might explode. I spent anytime I wasn't working shut up in my room, just to avoid having to deal with the idiots who are in the world around me!

I'm not sure how I made it through – and I did. No one got bitten, and neither did I!

Hello world! – Oh, how appropriate!!!!

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post here regularly – just this first message feels like a big stretch – AND I think it will be good for me to do this revealing thing.

My intention is to get more comfortable with this and then reveal even more about my ideas, feelings and most difficult of all my weaknesses.
This is only one of the ways that I'm working on my inner self. The other is this:

I'm part of an art therapy group, and we're working on a canvas over a period of 6 weeks. This is my first application of paint.